I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize