I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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