You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
