3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
