think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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