I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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