i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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