Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
