so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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