I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
