Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
