my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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