You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
