I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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