it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
All the doctor said was why
Dear god my vagina.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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