Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
