I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize