did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
