Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
