I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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