I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
