Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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