put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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