Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
