Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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