Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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