i jhust puked up my retainher.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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