What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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