im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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