two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
