You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
