I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Randomize
