Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
