Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
