Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
