I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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