even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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