On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
