dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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