Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
