I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
