she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't deserve a penis
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
