I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
