what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
