hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
