I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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