well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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