If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
