Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize