U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
