if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
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