This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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