I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
