well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
