The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
