Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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