im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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