Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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