Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
